those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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