Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
