She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Let's paint friendship bongs
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
