My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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