I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
