I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
