I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
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