mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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