I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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