I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
