you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize