How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I am available for nakedness
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
