Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
