And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
