I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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