some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
