peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
