And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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