You're a womanizer and a bitch.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
