Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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