She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
