My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
