If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
