I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The beer is more important than you right now.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
