where does the pee come out of this thing
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
