she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
