Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
