Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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