I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
