Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
