I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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