Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
4 words: hood of his car
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
