bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
