just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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