I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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