I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
