I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
