I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
3pm strippers are depressing
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
