I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
