did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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