Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
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