i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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