How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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