i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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