508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
it was like eating out sand paper
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
