If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
