There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
