Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
this will be a night to untag.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
