I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
