Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
