I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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