I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
