I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
