Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
