goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
