I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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