My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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