he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize
