I think i peed on brittanys purse
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Randomize
