I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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