don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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